Part of me still wants to hide

July 18, 2008

The first time it occurred to me that I might be a “homosexual” was when I, an eight year old boy, came across the term in a 1980’s version of the World Book Encyclopedia.

I am not sure if it was the tone of the entry on homosexuality, but I felt that “homosexual” was something I did not want to be. There was one part of the entry which said that “homosexuality is normal for prepubescent youth,” which I like to blame for making me not come out until my early twenties. I found that passage quite comforting, assuming that somehow I would eventually change to become a heterosexual, and I held onto this idea all the way through puberty - despite an attraction to gay erotica and stories on the Internet.

Religion did not play a factor at all in my homophobia, as none of my family was religious, and I was a militant atheist. I attribute most of my homophobia to coming from a culturally very conservative family, where my mother would make disapproving comments about anything sexual, even saying that the show ‘Friends’ was “dirty.”

Despite the fact that I knew I was very opposed to evangelical Christian theology (at this time I had lumped all Christians together under evangelicals), I decided to join an evangelical fellowship in college. I found myself drawn into the evangelical community, a group of friendly, loving people who seemed to accept me as a “seeker”, offered me free food, and spoke with me about religion. I had learned in AP psychology that when you say you believe something, eventually you believe it - and I was deeply curious about whether I would be transformed into one of these “irrational” evangelical Christians. I went with the flow and got baptized. I really enjoyed this fellowship, thought I had made great friends - but I was always fearful of being found out. I hid erotica on my computer and faked crushes on girls - I even had a girlfriend!

In my junior year of college, my “discipler”, a senior member of the same evangelical fellowship, made it clear that he was attracted to me when, while lounging around, he started sliding his hand into my pants and under my shirt. He was deeply closeted, and because I sensed that he wasn’t willing to talk about his own sexuality, we never did and even during this time, I never considered coming out.

But when this boy broke up with me after a few months, citing that he wanted to “get married, have kids…because gay relationships were sinful,” I grew disillusioned with a theology that would condemn gay men into hiding themselves and force themselves into artificial relationships with women (I knew from the erotica collection on his computer that he didn’t have any desire for women). I came out to the first person after this breakup, a senior leader in my fellowship who was “glad the relationship ended” because “it was sinful.” But he said he would still give me a hug. I had learned to accept the homophobic comments of the pastor as something normal, but realized this wasn’t a community where I wanted to be. However, I saw profound beauty in the church community and fundamentals of Christian theology and chose to join a more affirming mainline denomination, where I happily am today.

I deeply appreciate my seminary professors and pastors who are publicly affirming of LGBT people in the church. Their presence will continue to give me great comfort, support, and courage - and I truly thank them for speaking out for me.

Today, I’m relatively out of the closet and in my second relationship (if the first, closeted/secret one counts). My boyfriend had to push me out of the closet after a month of spending lots of time together. Since then, I’ve come out to most of my close friends, but not yet to my family - though I plan to within the next few years. While I’ve made large strides in overcoming my fear of coming out, it is still an ongoing process and the prospect of coming out to and being disowned by or cut off from my family still sends chills up my spine, and for this reason I’ve chosen not to be identified on such a public forum. Rationally, I know that this is something I have to face and do - but part of me still wants to hide. But I will continue to pray for bravery.

The author was born in Texas and lived there until college, when he moved to the northeast. He is a recent college graduate and loves living in New York City - hanging out with people, going to the beach. He also hopes to complete the coming out process soon.

Posted by Tony Posted in Guest Writers Re: 'Coming Out'