Why I Left the PC(USA)

June 29, 2008

On July 10, 2003 - I sent a letter to the Boise Presbytery’s Committee on Ministry. The letter began: ‘I am writing to inform you that I am a gay man—open, self-affirming, practicing—and that I am, in accordance with the Book of Order (G-6.1016b, G-14.0312), withdrawing from covenant relationship with the Boise Presbytery.’ I went further: ‘I am also writing this letter in order to inform you, beyond that I am gay and withdrawing from covenant relationship, that I am resigning my ordination as elder (G-14.0211 a-b) and that I am having my name removed from the membership roll of my beloved church, Homedale’s First Presbyterian (G-10.0302 b3-4).’

I was certainly angry when I wrote the letter. I was angry because of my presbytery’s absolute neglect of my spiritual formation: while my seminary peers were receiving instruction from their presbyteries, I was not sure if anyone in my presbytery was even aware that I was in seminary - and under their care! But my anger was fueled less by the presbytery’s neglect and more by the injustice of the church’s polity regarding same-sex relations. This anger was kindled by the (in)actions taken by the church that year. I wrote:

Hate toward homosexual people—if even subtle—most subtly expressed in the form of church polity and so-called orthodox theology—is simply the expression of a larger, more comprehensive reality: insanity. Insanity seems to be the norm in the Presbyterian Church (USA) today. The 215th General Assembly did not allow an overture calling for the deletion of G-6.0106b to pass because the church is supposedly not ready for such an overture. When has the church ever been ready to address issues that polarize, that split its membership? [...] The Rev. Stephen Van Kuiken of the Cincinnati Presbytery was recently defrocked for continuing to live what should not be a radical notion: the relationships of LGBT people are valid and good. The church has lifted the Book of Order to idol status; the church cares more about polity and the majority the maintenance of its perspective and privilege—even if destructive and harmful on all levels—than the lives of LGBT people. Insanity is, indeed, the norm.

In my letter I expressed my surprise at the overt expression of hatred I sensed in the church - the very location I did not expect to find hate.

There are places in the world where we should not be surprised to find hate. Three years ago I traveled to Germany to study the Reformation era, but I found myself much more fascinated by Holocaust Germany. I visited Buchenwald, the concentration camp where Eli Wiesel’s father died and the camp from which Eli was liberated, and there I found hate. Hitler’s hate of Jews, Gypsies, and Homosexuals was preserved there, not that his hate might infect visitors, but rather to teach visitors of hate’s seductive and destructive power. Though I was surprised by the ways hate was expressed there—I was not surprised to find hate at Buchenwald.

Hate is less disturbing when it is always thought to be somewhere else: in some other time, place, era, or person. Hate becomes far more disagreeable and powerful when it shows up in one’s own village or self.

During the summer of 2002, I served as program staff at Camp Sawtooth. I became a Christian there nearly nine years ago. Sawtooth is the place where the most profound proposition of my life began to be formed: God loves humanity and wishes for humanity to be in a relationship with Her. I, by virtue of the commitment I made there, bestowed on that place power, the power to affect me, the power to call me back time and time again.

At some point during the summer, I needed a few nails, and I made the short trip from the staff cabin to the work shed. I opened the shed door and a sentence caught my eye—a sentenced etched midway up the door, very clearly, noticeably: ‘John’ is a faggot.’ I had found hate at church camp. I was surprised.

I concluded: ‘I leave the Presbyterian Church not as a victim [...]. I leave with joy, thankful for the good I received and confident that there are better places for me to be a person of faith.’

I received NO response to my letter - not even a short note saying: ‘We got your letter.’ Again, inaction - and I cannot lie: my presbytery’s inaction was painful because I was a dedicated, loyal Presbyterian. I came to know Christ in the Presbyterian context, and I worked - very hard - and with some wackos (many of whom are ordinated or still serving the PC[USA]) - to advance the health of the PC(USA). I did not expect my presbytery to say, basically, ‘whatever.’

But, whatever.

I continue to be amazed by those who fight and fight and fight for a place in the PC(USA). I am amazed by their hope, their courage, and their resolve. I simply do not share their obsession for having a place at the PC(USA)’s table. And my feelings point to a deeper issue for me: I am not sure ‘the church’ - even the emerging type - is a space within which the human is free to be human: to know and enjoy God forever. It’s an open question for me.

Having said that, I am glad - for LGBT Presbyterians and for the PC(USA) - that good news has finally come (if even there is much doubt re: what will, in the end, take place). It seems to me the PC(USA), beyond passing such theologically correct proposals - will also have to ask for forgiveness - for the many years its polity has done harm to so many of Christ’s faithful.

Posted by Tony Posted in Current Events, Mainline, Posts by Tony, The Church