Talk to Strangers? Protect your penis…

May 21, 2008

I was killing time at the University of Chicago and stumbled upon an article in the May 21st addition of the Chicago Free Press’ Free Time. Midlife Crisis No. 212 - written by Sukie De La Croix - is entitled ‘Don’t Talk to Strangers.’ I am not sure when the new edition of the Free Press will be posted on the site - so I offer excerpts of La Croix’s article here:

I’ve just read a fascinating article about the arrest of 13 sorcerers in Kinshasa, the capital of the Democratic Republic of Congo, for the crime of stealing or shriveling other men’s penises using black magic and witchcraft.

It all started when callers to a phone-in radio show recounted lurid tales of their penises atrophied or dropping off after being accosted by strangers wearing gold rings who shared their taxi. These mysterious men allegedly put spells on the victim’s privates, then demanded money for a cure–a ‘no’ or a ‘go fuck yourself’ from the victim resulted in a shrinking schlong, schlort or a schledium.

[...]

Talking to strangers in Chicago, especially on a CTA train, can be detrimental to your health. I should know, I am a nut magnet and if anyone on the train has fucked a giraffe or has their mother’s head at home pickled in a jar, or they snorted up the ashes of their pet parrot, I can guarantee they will lob onto me, sink their claws in and rattle off a litany of their private peculiarities.

Ok, so how does one avoid these interactions with strangers - interactions that may have an impact on one’s penis?

[...] I wear an iPod–something the men of Congo might consider. An iPod deflects the advances of the dribbling nut-fuck on the train. And there’s always a nut-fuck on the train. If an iPod doesn’t put them off you may have to out nut them.

Here are some surefire ways to out-nut the nut-fuck. Wear an iPod and shades–eye contact is lube to a nut-fuck. [...].

[...]

Another way to ward off the nut-fuck on the train is to play air guitar. Even the craziest of nut-fucks will steer clear of the air guitar [...]

The second trick for warding off nut-fucks on the train is to read a disturbingly titled book. I’ve got two that work a treat–while the rest of the riders are holding Stephen King and Dean Koontz in front of their faces, I peruse ‘Overcoming Crystal Meth Addiction,’ by Steven J. Lee, M.D., or ‘Female Serial Killers: How and Why Women Become Monsters,’ by Peter Vronsky.

If the nut-fuck persists try the nuclear option–emit a short volley of high-pitched squeaking noises every time they come near.

Well, the reasons for fearing the stranger and the arguments for justified inhospitality seem to be innumerable! I do have to say, however, my fellow CTA riders can be, shall we say, very interesting. And if you are having a bad day or you are exhausted from back to back Newark turns and you need some space and peace - the iPod does work wonders.

Posted by Tony Posted in Bi/Partisan Politics, Posts by Tony, Queer Politics, Uncategorized