‘Coming Out’ as Irrational?
April 23, 2008
What inspires some guys to ‘come out’ - that is, what inspires some to stop attempting to pass as ’straight’ and to adopt the label gay, imperfect as the label may be, to describe a part of their interpersonal world?
The term ‘gay’ is a complex term - however, I associate ‘gay’ with male same-sex attraction. I don’t want to get wrapped up in the innate v. construction debate…but I think there is a significant genetic component to erotic desire; however, culture, in powerful ways, defines, directs, and (dis)ables those desires.
Anyway, what constitutes the ‘bur’ that gets under the saddle of those who feel ‘gay’ adequately describes an aspect of their interpersonal world - what inspires these folk to ‘confess’?
Of course, guys come out for a variety of reasons; however, I think a lot of us come out because we are compelled by our humanity (a term denoting that which is created by God), that is, our desire to be with the other (like Alias’ Sydney Bristow - we want people to know what (and who) we do - we can see the connection between who we are and what we do, and we view the concealment of who we are/what we do as a denial of our humanity, an impossible fight to remain apart from rather than with the other). In a certain sense, ‘gay is ok’ is a ‘mystical a priori ‘ - it is accepted as true - the conclusion of an argument that is accepted without or prior to understanding or knowing the preceding pieces of the argument. In other words, ‘gay is ok’ is knowledge (it is that) without knowledge. The parallel, for Christian people, is ‘faith seeking understanding’ - knowledge seeking knowledge.
On more than one occasion I have been asked to recommend books, etc. to those who are ’struggling’ with whether or not they will ‘come out,’ and last night, without intending to, I indicated, in a rather intense manner (standard for me…and people sometimes misconstrue my intensity for anger), that I would be happy to recommend books, etc…but these resources would not ’seal the deal’ - that is, would not lead one to the conclusion that ‘gay is ok.’ ‘Coming out’ is not a rational (a term I mean to limit to its popular [if even truncated] definition: that which is not related to feeling - the irrational or womanly) process.
In an earlier post re: the Apostles’ Creed, I argued one can evaluate the truthfulness of the biblical messages only on the basis of the prior self-discloser of God. In the same way, one can see in the biblical texts, commentaries, etc the ‘goodness of gay’ (to be simplistic) only if one has eyes to see. There is certainly a correspondence between the the process by which one becomes Christian and the process that results in one ‘coming out.’
The pieces of the argument can come together only on the basis of one’s choice to ascribe to one’s self the term gay. One accepts that one is gay…and then, and only then, one is able see why this reality is NOT disordered or sinful, etc.
Does this make sense of your experience?
Posted by Tony 
Posted in Posts by Tony, Queer Politics
April 25th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
[...] church. It is called the American Family Outing. See also Queer Messages’ discussion of coming out which is also featured on their new podcast. John Shuck reflects on a recent presentation and [...]
April 28th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I just came across this site and I have to say, I really enjoy it. Thanks.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:37 pm
I feel like I have to note that some of this only applies when one is struggling with the morality of taking on the gay identity. At least in my case, I was far more concerned with the other cultural trappings, such as the expectations of certain feminine traits, and exposing my family to the concept that I may experience future hardships due to my sexuality. However, I do believe that I may be the exception to the rule, as I had a very liberal and open upbringing.
I definitely think that it is a very important moment when one takes upon themselves the culture label of “gay,” even more so than when they discover their attraction to members of the same sex. More often than not, it is that which makes us different from mainstream society, that which is counter to what is considered normal (and some may argue good), which defines us. For example, if I were to describe myself in as few words as possible, I would use the term ‘gay.’ I would not think to mention the fact that I am a white, middle class male, even though these are actually essential contributors to my identity. Being gay, because it is counter to the mainstream, is a very powerful cultural label that tends to pervade the entirety of one’s life. The decision to take on such a label is not an easy one, and to a certain extent, I can understand a person who wishes to remain in the closet, or who may say “I’m not gay, I just like to have sex with men.” I think that this is part of the power of pride parades: they are an affirmation of one’s acceptance of the gay (or, to be more politically correct, queer) cultural label.
May 4th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
[...] 2 of the podcast, re: the definition of ‘gay,’ and I am thinking about Eric’s comments re: ‘coming out’ and religion {and as a reminder, if you need a healing, tell Jesus [...]